Tag: self-reflection

Socials.

Socials.

by themusingsofatwentytwoyearold ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

“If this post doesn’t get at least 100 likes I’ll delete it.” “150 likes is acceptable, but a good post is 200+ likes.” For a really long time I’ve always set standards for myself on social media. I’ve felt that likes were a reflection back on me. On whether or not I was doing enough. On whether or not I was attractive enough. I’ve let the number of likes on social media posts define me as a person.

But then enter yesterday. When I posted a photo of my dog just because it made me happy. And it only got 75 likes. And as I went to go delete it, I began to wonder why deleting it was my knee jerk reaction. The picture made me happy- shouldn’t that be enough?

And so I didn’t delete my picture. And began questioning why I had even set these social media requirements for myself in the first place. Why did I need to prove that I was worth loving through social media? And the crazy thing is that I know I’m not alone. A lot of people place way too much value on their social media presence.

So I’m trying to step back and be more authentic. Post things that really make me happy, along with the typical iPhone portrait mode edited headshots. And care a whole lot less about the number of likes I’m getting. Because when it comes right down to it, I don’t need validation in order to be happy. I don’t want my happiness to be defined by others actions.

–X

Lessons.

Lessons.

by themusingsofatwentytwoyearold ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This post is a little bit different from my other posts, but I just wanted to share a few life lessons that I’ve learned over the past year.

  1. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is struggling. So be kind, because you never know what someone is going through.
  2. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Not taking care of yourself helps nobody.
  3. Never ever live with someone you have feelings for. With the exception of marriage. When things go wrong, it’s miserable – you can’t get away from it. And yes I know this makes me sound jaded, and people will disagree with me on this one, but it’s a lesson that I learned the hard way.
  4. Breathe. Specifically “square breathing.” In for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, breathe normally for 2. Repeat. It helps more than you think it will.
  5. Mistakes happen. Don’t beat yourself up for them. Just try to do better next time.
  6. Always be the sun. Never be a planet orbiting around someone else. You exist for so many reasons- your sole purpose in life should never be to make someone else happy.
  7. You cannot be everything for everyone.
  8. Find a hobby- something that you do purely because it makes you happy.
  9. Perfection does not automatically equal good. I repeat, you do not have to be perfect to be good.
  10. No matter how awful you feel, you will always get through it. The sun will continue to rise, and eventually you will be okay.
  11. Don’t be afraid to let go.
  12. Your real support system will be there when you least expect it. When it feels like everything else is crashing down.
  13. When in doubt, pet a dog. Seriously, my dog has gotten me through so many anxious days.

I really don’t mean to come across as preachy here, but as I was going to bed I was thinking about all of the things that I had learned recently and wanted to share. Hopefully, reading this will resonate with someone, and maybe even help them. Anyway, I’m actually going to bed now. Goodnight, Internet.

–X

Growth.

Growth.

by themusingsofatwentytwoyearold ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I thought I was over it. I thought I had really, truly found my peace with what happened with my best friend. My therapy session actually ended five minutes early this week because I was doing so well. I had accepted responsibility for what I was actually responsible for, and nothing more. I had accepted how toxic, and anxiety inducing, my relationship with my best friend had gotten.

But then my best friend came back to finish moving out of the apartment today. And I was caught off guard. And then I was swept away by a wave of hurt. Seeing her in person hurt. I was reminded of all of the ways in which she hurt me. Honestly in which we hurt each other. And when the wave of hurt washed across me, it took my inner peace with it. And I was left feeling caught off guard, vulnerable, anxious, and abandoned. On the verge of tears.

Normally, I would have immediately retreated to my room. Isolated myself. Made myself feel worse and more alone. Worthless. But today I couldn’t do that. My dog is staying with me and locking myself, and him, into my room for the entirety of the weekend is so completely unfair to him. So I made myself stay out in the living room and deal with the hurt. And I’m not going to say that I did it perfectly. I definitely didn’t. I ended up restricting. But I still ultimately ate something for dinner.

And then I paused and realized just how much progress I’ve made. Even from a few months ago. I didn’t let me emotions, or my anxiety, completely overwhelm me as I’ve done in the past. Instead I allowed myself to feel them. And let them pass without a reaction. Even a month ago, that would’ve been nearly impossible. And I realized that, wow, I’m really proud of myself. I’ve grown so much in the past few months. And that’s an accomplishment worth celebrating- at least in my humble opinion.

-X

Backstory.

Backstory.

by themusingsofatwentytwoyearold ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I might have mentioned this before, but in my free time, I work in a planetarium. I’m still relatively new at giving Star Talks though (which are basically 40 minute astronomy lectures), and after my sixth ever show, a man came up to me. And he introduces himself by saying, “Great show, but I noticed two things. One, you said that the sun was 4.6 million years old instead of billion. Two, you said Galileo was Roman not Italian. At the beginning of the show you said you were an elementary education major, and if you’re going to be educating kids you don’t want to be educating them with misinformation.”

Now, his comments weren’t incorrect- I did have two slip ups. But his comments threw both my current job, and career aspirations into question- my anxiety sent my head spinning. I felt unqualified for literally everything. How could I be a teacher when I didn’t even know basic facts? And clearly I wasn’t qualified to be working at my current job.

Thankfully, this was my last show of the day, because I had a panic attack as soon as I got to my car. Quite honestly, with this one comment, I went from having an okay anxiety day (because if we’re being honest, I haven’t had a good anxiety day in forever) to collapsing and feeling panicked and anxious for the remainder of the day.

And this whole scenario just made me think about how incredibly careful you have to be with your words. This man had no idea his thirty second comment would send me into a panicked state of mind for the rest of the night. But it did.

You never know someone’s backstory. Maybe they just broke up with someone. Maybe they’re struggling with a severe illness- either mental or physical. Maybe they just lost someone close to them. Maybe they’re just point blank having a bad day. Or a bad couple of minutes. My point is, you have to be mindful of your words and actions. You never know what someone else is going through.

I have a sticker on my laptop that says “be kind anyway.” This is a motto which I find incredibly important, and do my absolute best to live by. No matter how someone is treating you, you should always do your very best to be kind anyway. Because you never know what that person is going through, or how they’re hurting. And honestly, hurt people hurt people. I think that there is hardly ever a case in which it is justifiable to be mean to someone. And I say hardly ever because there definitely are a few extreme exceptions. But for the most part, I believe that we, as humans, should do our absolute best to put out kindness into this world.

I apologize if this has come across as a little bit preachy. That was not my intention.

This whole experience has just really made me reflect on myself and my actions- I hope that I never unintentionally caused someone to have a bad day, or said something which was triggering. So I’m just going to continue doing my best to live by the words “be kind anyway,” and take a little extra care to be mindful of how my words and actions could unintentionally affect others. Because I know how badly that man at the planetarium’s comments resonated with me, and cut me, and I’m sure that that was not his intention. But yet here I am, still remembering every word of his comment three days later.

-X