Love is a funny thing. Cliche opening- I know. Growing up, I used to absolutely idolize the relationships which were present in popular culture. I was obsessed with love stories, Disney movies, love songs etc. You get the picture. I thought that eventually, if I was patient enough, I would find my very own prince charming. I was convinced that my life would play out exactly like a romantic comedy- random song bursts of song and all.

However, life had a different plan. You mean my life wasn’t destined to turn out like a romantic comedy? Are you shocked? Because I genuinely was.

In college, I discovered I was bi, and then promptly fell in love with my best friend. Classic, I know. But how could I not when my best friend is genuinely one of the most beautiful humans that I had ever met? Both inside and out. She is as smart as a whip, incredibly kind, empathetic, and “grab your sides because you’re laughing so hard” funny. To top it all off, she’s also stunning.

But, this story does not follow the rom-com plot line of: “best friends fall in love and end up living happily ever after.” No, this story turns into, what one of my friends has referred to as: a cross between the saddest romantic comedy you’ve ever seen and a horror movie.

I first told my best friend that I was in love with her after she had just broken up with her girlfriend. This was horrible timing, I know. However, after I realized that I had picked possibly the worst timing in the history of the world, I decided that there was still hope that she might eventually feel the same way. This was dumb, and I strongly advise against doing it.

But yet, there I was hoping that she would eventually fall in love with me. Why? Because all of the romantic comedies I had grown up watching had shown me that, if things are meant to be, they will be. How could things not be meant to be if we were best friends? The ultimate goal is to fall in love with your best friend- right?

Over the next few months, we became inseparable. I’m talking about being around each other constantly. 24/7. And that is not an exaggeration. We planned our lives around each other. She went with me to all of my doctors, nutritionist and therapy appointments. She helped me plan my meals. She was someone that I felt completely comfortable collapsing into, sobbing, at the end of a rough day. She became a safe space for me. And honestly, I was a safe space for her as well.

We were in that awkward zone between best friends and something more. At least, that’s how I see it on my end.

But then, eventually, she started dating other people. Nothing serious. But still, it hurt. So I decided to tell her that I had feelings for her, which ultimately lead to her telling me that she couldn’t date me because I relied on her too heavily as a support system.

Now, I feel that it is important to make it clear that I am not bitter about her decision. Incredibly hurt? Yes. It feels like someone has simultaneously stabbed me, and turned my world upside down. But not bitter. Because at the end of the day, she is still my best friend, and I care about her deeply. I don’t want that to change.

I’m now trying to figure out how to move on. How to quash my preconceived notion of “best friends always end up together if they love each other.” Because in real life, out of the context of a rom-com, that is not the case. Sometimes you have to sit by and watch as the person that you’re in love with falls in love with other people.

Quite honestly, I don’t know where I’m going to go from here. But I know that, as messy as this entire situation was, I have learned from it. Love is painful, it hurts, and it takes unexpected twists and turns. But it also helps you grow. And ultimately, isn’t growing as a person the goal?

-X