Today my nutritionist essentially told me that I was too broken for her to help me anymore. She recommended intensive outpatient therapy. I’m going to be honest, I completely shut down. I panicked. I can’t drive to another city four days a week and spend four hours there. I can’t uproot my life like that.

She also told me that I needed to go back to the doctors, and scheduled me an appointment with the on-campus doctor for tomorrow. Which is also terrifying. I hate the on-campus doctor. And I’m terrified she’s going to have to do my bloodwork again. Which means needles.

I cried in the car for a hour after that appointment. And I’m talking about full on tears streaming down your face, and you can’t catch your breath ugly crying.

Going to therapy and nutrition appointments at all was a big, giant step for me. My best friend had to literally tell me that she couldn’t watch me kill myself any longer in order for me to even agree to go. And although I started doing it for her, now I’m definitely doing it for me.

I do want to get better. I don’t want to die.

But at the same time, I want to do it on my terms. I don’t want my recovery to take over my entire life. And I honestly genuinely think that going to intensive outpatient therapy would make me feel even more isolated and separated from my peers. From my friends. From the people who care about me.

My nutritionist’s reasoning behind this recommendation was that I’ve plateaued. I was getting better for a while and, while I haven’t gotten worse, I haven’t exactly made progress in a while either. And I do agree with that. But I really am trying.

I’m trying really hard. It’s just been getting harder and harder to fight the eating disorder. I feel like I’m running out of tools. But I don’t think that intensive out patient therapy is the right tool.

But I also don’t know what the right tool is. I just know that what I’m currently doing isn’t working. And that the people that I care about can’t keep watching me die anymore. And that I need to try harder.

So I’m taking today as a mental health day from classes. To pick up the pieces and then figure out where to go from here.

-X