Honestly, so much has happened the past few days that I don’t know where to begin. My doctor told me that if I lost anymore weight I would have to be hospitalized. I have a follow-up appointment next week. My therapist told me that I’m now at a point where I can’t hide it from my parents anymore. I need a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders. So tomorrow I have to call my parents and have a conversation with them that I very much do not want to have. To top it all off and put the cherry on top of the stress cake, I also had a midterm exam today. Oh, and did I mention that I’ve started talking to a boy?

It’s hard enough when you first start dating someone. But whenever I first start dating someone I’m always plagued by my eating disorder. Do I tell them about my recovery? Well obviously I have to if they’re going to be a big part of my life. So when do I tell them about it? Third date? After a few months? I don’t want to get involved with someone if they aren’t okay with the fact that I’m in recovery. I want to give them access to the “yikes, I think I’m gonna opt-out” button before things get too serious.

I had a date yesterday and had to pass off my stress as mid-term stress. But it’s so much more than that. Mid-term stress I could handle. But this, being stressed about telling my parents and stressed about my failing recovery, this is crushing. There is this crushing weight constantly on my chest this week – making it hard to breathe.

I know that I need to tell my parents. I haven’t full on morphed into an ostrich; I don’t completely have my head in the sand. I know that I’ve reached a point in the eating disorder rabbit hole where the only thing that can pull me up is access to their health insurance- for more than just a therapist. I officially need a full-on team. An expensive team. But actually having a conversation with my parents about it? The thought of it sickens me. Like really genuinely physically sickens me.

Why is my reaction that extreme? Seems a little overdramatic? Maybe. But my parents and I don’t have a great relationship. I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about who I’m dating, never mind something as deeply personal as my eating disorder. They were never the kind of parents who gave hugs at bedtime or ended phone conversations with “I love you.” They were the kind of parents who would attack you for getting an A minus in chemistry or would send you to bed without dinner because of one sassy comment or would ground you if you got home one minute after curfew. I can’t even tell you how many times I sped down the street at 10:59pm praying that the clock wouldn’t turn before I made it into the driveway.

So, I just know that any concern that’ll come from my parents won’t actually come from a place of genuine concern. Instead, it’ll come from a place of wanting to be perceived as a good parent- “Look at how supportive we are! We’re so great!” And I don’t want to be some sort of “good parenting” trophy for them.

And that’s only if they’re actually concerned at all. I could also totally see them arguing with me about my diagnosis- “Are you sure? You seem fine! Loosing weight is a good thing! You’re overreacting.”

I don’t want to have to justify my eating disorder to them.

So honestly, I just want this conversation over and out of my life. As soon as possible. So that I can use my parents’ health insurance and move on to working toward recovering by myself. Because recovery is going to be hard enough as it is.

But I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t half-ass my recovery anymore. I need to push past the uncomfortable, past the screaming in my head, and past the guilt. And in order to do that I need the tools that a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders can give me. So, I have to do some things that make me uncomfortable.

Unfortunately though, I think that that’s what recovery is. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable.

-X