Tag: perspective

Healing.

Healing.

by themusingsofatwentytwoyearold ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’ve been focusing on me. On learning to let the past go and to not hold it in resentment. On seeing both the good and the bad in the people who hurt me- not solely focusing on one or the other. On not forcing everything in life to fit into my tiny boxes of perfection.

Now, my moments of anxiety fade back into moments of calm. I almost never feel like I’m spinning out of control. I’m collected. I’ve stopped having nightmares about my ex-best friend. And it’s taken a lot of work to get here. And I know I’m not perfect, and I’ve finally stopped trying to fit myself into the box of perfect. And it’s been not only healing, but freeing as well.

Today, my healing was truly tested. I opened Tumblr for the first time since May. What’s the big deal you ask? Well, I originally got Tumblr as a way to communicate with my ex-best friend. So she could send me cute animal videos. And after the whole saga with her this spring, I decided that in order to truly heal, I needed to delete Tumblr off of my phone. And so I haven’t opened Tumblr since. Until today.

For some reason, today I felt like I was in a good enough place to open Tumblr. I didn’t feel like seeing her name would break me. Seeing her name wouldn’t cause me to spin out or restrict. It wouldn’t send me into an anxiety or panic attack. My worth and value as a person was no longer tied to whether or not she had messaged me. I wasn’t so wrapped up in my own resentment toward her that I felt like I was in danger of lashing out at her for all of the hurt that she caused me. So I logged on.

And I saw two messages from her. And I took a deep breath and opened them. They were cute animal videos from about two months ago. Now, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to respond. Initially I didn’t. But then I thought about how I would have felt if I had sent her something as casual as an animal video and had not gotten a response for two months. And I thought about the fact that, even though I don’t know if I ever want her in my life again, not responding to this would be basically shutting it down forever. My choice would be made for me. And I wasn’t ready to make that choice yet- so I responded.

“Hi I just saw this and wanted to let you know that I wasn’t ignoring you- I deleted Tumblr off of my phone. Anyways, the elephant is adorable! Thanks for sending”

It took me ten minutes to hit send, but I finally did. It was nice enough and would ensure that doors wouldn’t shut before I was ready for them to shut. Who knows what will happen now? And for once, I’ve made my peace with not knowing the future.

-X

Sentence.

Sentence.

by themusingsofatwentytwoyearold ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’ve taken a beat. I’ve taken a minute to step away from everything and really focus on me. And granted, by “taken a minute,” I definitely mean “taken a month.” Details.

I’ve reflected a lot on the last three months. On how much I’ve changed as a person. On how I’m in a place in my ED recovery that I never thought I would be. Even though it’s a daily battle, it’s a battle that I’m winning. And I’m proud of that.

But, whenever I’m least expecting in, everything that happened with my ex-best friend in March rushes back into my mind. Don’t we love it when that happens? I’m fine, and then all of a sudden I’m remembering how hurt I was. I’m remembering how hurt I was, compared to how much I loved her and all of the good moments that we had had. I was torn. I had no idea whether or not I wanted to let her back into my life. I didn’t know whether or not I would ever feel comfortable around her again. And then I had a moment with another friend.

One of my other friends, lets call her Friend X, has a close friend, lets call her Y, who suffers from severe anxiety. One day, Y completely went off on Friend X. And when I say completely went off, I mean completely went off. Everything Y was saying was completely ridiculous and off-base. Not to mention hurtful. It was very apparent to me that Y was having an anxiety attack. I was easily able to recognize it. I’d definitely accused others of similar things during an anxiety attack. But how Friend X reacted to Y’s barrage of hurtful messages shocked me.

Friend X was hurt and furious. Understandably. But I advised her to take a minute before responding, and not respond in the heat of the moment. Something that I’ve learned all too well at this point. And Friend X decided to take my advice, and then she went a step further by herself.

Instead of just ignoring Y’s messages, Friend X responded with the following message: “I’m not ignoring you, I just need to take a bit to figure out how I want to respond to this.”

It was just a sentence, but it completely changed my perspective. No one else is responsible for my anxiety, but a true friend won’t mind making certain allowances. Obviously within reason. I’m not talking about anything crazy dramatic or inconvenient here. But I can guarantee you that Friend X’s text was so important to Y. It was only a single sentence but it was a single sentence that made Y feel heard and not all alone in the world. Y was so worried about not being loved, and Friend X, instead of validating that fear in a hostile response, abolished it.

Asking a friend to send a simple, “I’m not ignoring you” text, especially in a highly emotional moment, is not unreasonable. And I realized that if my best friend was truly my best friend, she would not have tried to make me feel like a burden for needing that.

-X