Over the past three weeks, I’ve been working my hardest to climb out of my rock bottom hole. I’ve been pushing myself to reach out to more friends, to cope in healthy ways (like taking dance classes), and to eat even though I’ve had literally no appetite. But whenever I reach the ledge of possibly being okay, I get knocked down again.

I always get knocked down by the same thing- my relationship with my best friend. Or should I say ex-best friend. I don’t even know anymore. We’re not on solid ground.

Three weeks ago, at the beginning of this whole ordeal, I had convinced myself that I was the problem in our relationship. However, I found out that she was never really mad at me- she was just overwhelmed by her life and needed space. Later, I found out that she also thought of me as an emotional drain, and that is why she specifically needed space from me. But I also realized that I was not the problem here- I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. The only thing I had done was exist.

I tried my absolute hardest to give her what she needed, especially as she kept promising that it was only temporary, but when it got to the point of her pretending that I didn’t exist when we were both in the communal spaces of our shared apartment, for four days straight, I couldn’t let myself hurt any longer. I had to say something.

And so I did. I tried to express to her that I was hurting. That all I wanted was a conversation, so I could explain to her why her ignoring me hurt the way it did. And she refused. She accused me of making her feel guilty for needing space- which was never my intention. She told me she wasn’t going to respond to me again.

And so I let her go.

I’m now doing my best to accept that she wasn’t who I thought she was. At least, not anymore. That all of her promises about unconditional love and loyalty, were empty. I realized that at her core, she’s really a selfish person who doesn’t care who she hurts. I know she’s going through something right now, but so am I. Just because you’re going through a tough time doesn’t give you an excuse to not care when you’ve hurt someone close to you. I know I’ve definitely hurt my fair share of people when I’m in pain, but never, not once, have I ever not cared about the fact that my actions had caused someone else emotional pain.

And accepting that I probably need to let her go is so exceptionally hard. Aside from the fact that at one point I was in love with her, our lives are so intertwined. We live together. Her family was planning on staying at my family’s house for graduation. And it sucks even more that our relationship deteriorated like this right before graduation. And it’s hard not to hold out hope that things will fix themselves. That we’ll end college on a good note.

But at this point, I think I’ve been holding out hope for too long. Something changed. And I need to accept the fact that the girl who was my rock and my safe space for the past two years, is not anymore.

-X