Over my spring break, I completely immersed myself in Jenni Schaefer’s books. I read them everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I spent spring break road tripping, and the majority of spring break in coffee shops across the country buried in Jenni’s books. For the first time I felt like I really, truly wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy. Jenni’s experience with anorexia so closely mirrored my own. The way her eating disorder made her feel is exactly how I feel.

But the most important thing that I gained from my own personal research project was a name. And that name was Ed. Ed is the voice in my head telling me not to eat, and that I’m not sick. Ed is the one who tells me that if I eat anything I’m going to gain exorbitant amounts of weight. Who has a list of forbidden foods a mile long. A list of unwritten rules surrounding food a mile long. Who tells me that I always have to be the thinnest person in the room. Take up the least amount of space. Who puts more trust in arbitrary numbers than proven science. Who convinces me that everything on my to-do list has to be done before I can even begin to think about food. Who screams when the plan changes. Who is inflexible. Who treats others terribly.

I had thought all of those thoughts were just me. I had thought that it was just my personality. And I hated myself for it. My favorite adjective to describe myself had become “monstrous.” But it’s not me who’s monstrous. It’s Ed. The controlling bastard.

After reading Jenni’s books, I began to separate between myself and Ed. I began to recognize when it was Ed speaking to me. Now that doesn’t mean that I waved a magic wand and was suddenly over my eating disorder. I still listen to Ed probably more than I would like to admit. He’s very convincing. But now, I’m able to call him out with a simple, “what’s up Ed.” Acknowledging that he’s there. That it’s not me who’s speaking. That Ed’s values are not my own.

As Jenni said, acknowledgement is the first step to learning how to disobey him. To escape his controlling crutches. Recognizing that he’s there, and little by little beginning to question him. Eventually fighting him. Disobeying him.

Eventually, I’ll get there.

My nutritionist had recommended Jenni’s books to me ages ago. I put off reading them – I had more important things to do. But now I’m wondering if the reason that I shoved them aside was really because Ed didn’t want to be questioned. He knew that if I read something recommended by my nutritionist, I would begin to question him. He was already beginning to loose ground in the fight over my mind. He was loosing ground with every nutritionist approved meal. He was desperately clinging to my low self esteem with everything he had. He couldn’t let himself loose anymore ground. So he convinced me that reading the books would be a waste of time. Why would I want to learn more about eating disorders when I was living one? How much new information could that book really provide me with?

The answer is a lot, actually.

-X