I’ve been focusing on me. On learning to let the past go and to not hold it in resentment. On seeing both the good and the bad in the people who hurt me- not solely focusing on one or the other. On not forcing everything in life to fit into my tiny boxes of perfection.

Now, my moments of anxiety fade back into moments of calm. I almost never feel like I’m spinning out of control. I’m collected. I’ve stopped having nightmares about my ex-best friend. And it’s taken a lot of work to get here. And I know I’m not perfect, and I’ve finally stopped trying to fit myself into the box of perfect. And it’s been not only healing, but freeing as well.

Today, my healing was truly tested. I opened Tumblr for the first time since May. What’s the big deal you ask? Well, I originally got Tumblr as a way to communicate with my ex-best friend. So she could send me cute animal videos. And after the whole saga with her this spring, I decided that in order to truly heal, I needed to delete Tumblr off of my phone. And so I haven’t opened Tumblr since. Until today.

For some reason, today I felt like I was in a good enough place to open Tumblr. I didn’t feel like seeing her name would break me. Seeing her name wouldn’t cause me to spin out or restrict. It wouldn’t send me into an anxiety or panic attack. My worth and value as a person was no longer tied to whether or not she had messaged me. I wasn’t so wrapped up in my own resentment toward her that I felt like I was in danger of lashing out at her for all of the hurt that she caused me. So I logged on.

And I saw two messages from her. And I took a deep breath and opened them. They were cute animal videos from about two months ago. Now, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to respond. Initially I didn’t. But then I thought about how I would have felt if I had sent her something as casual as an animal video and had not gotten a response for two months. And I thought about the fact that, even though I don’t know if I ever want her in my life again, not responding to this would be basically shutting it down forever. My choice would be made for me. And I wasn’t ready to make that choice yet- so I responded.

“Hi I just saw this and wanted to let you know that I wasn’t ignoring you- I deleted Tumblr off of my phone. Anyways, the elephant is adorable! Thanks for sending”

It took me ten minutes to hit send, but I finally did. It was nice enough and would ensure that doors wouldn’t shut before I was ready for them to shut. Who knows what will happen now? And for once, I’ve made my peace with not knowing the future.

-X