I keep waiting for a text. Every two minutes I’m checking my phone. I’m playing games with myself- if I leave my phone alone for ten minutes, when I get back there will be a text. There never is.

My best friend and I got into a fight last night. I cried until 6am. Skipped my first class. Only went to my second class because I had an exam. Came home and cried some more. I think I’ve really ruined things this time.

The fight started over a change of plans. How stupid is that? She decided she was staying home longer for spring break, and then altered our dinner plans for that night. And instead of reacting to it like a normal person, my brain completely took over. I lost all control of my emotions. Accused her of abandoning me. Said really awful things that I feel really guilty about and don’t ever want to repeat. Had a panic attack for at least three hours straight. Had to stop myself from doing stupid things because I was in pain. Lost the recovery dinner battle. Skipped dinner. Tried to clean everything out of the fridge. Only didn’t throw away the entire fridge because my normally completely self-involved roommate noticed and dragged me away from it- crying.

I think I’ve really ruined things this time.

I hate who my anxiety turns me into. I hate that it makes me a monster.

I hate going to bed angry and feeling like things are broken. It makes me feel like they’ll never be fixed. The panicky, abandoned, unloved feeling never goes away. I cry so hard that I can’t calm down enough to fall asleep. Do you know how awful that is? To be so deeply devastated that you can’t even escape it through sleep? Maybe you do. If you do, I’m so sorry. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

And now I’m sitting here. Waiting for a text that tells me that she still loves me. But I don’t think that I’ll get it this time. Everyone has a breaking point.

-X