I thought I was over it. I thought I had really, truly found my peace with what happened with my best friend. My therapy session actually ended five minutes early this week because I was doing so well. I had accepted responsibility for what I was actually responsible for, and nothing more. I had accepted how toxic, and anxiety inducing, my relationship with my best friend had gotten.

But then my best friend came back to finish moving out of the apartment today. And I was caught off guard. And then I was swept away by a wave of hurt. Seeing her in person hurt. I was reminded of all of the ways in which she hurt me. Honestly in which we hurt each other. And when the wave of hurt washed across me, it took my inner peace with it. And I was left feeling caught off guard, vulnerable, anxious, and abandoned. On the verge of tears.

Normally, I would have immediately retreated to my room. Isolated myself. Made myself feel worse and more alone. Worthless. But today I couldn’t do that. My dog is staying with me and locking myself, and him, into my room for the entirety of the weekend is so completely unfair to him. So I made myself stay out in the living room and deal with the hurt. And I’m not going to say that I did it perfectly. I definitely didn’t. I ended up restricting. But I still ultimately ate something for dinner.

And then I paused and realized just how much progress I’ve made. Even from a few months ago. I didn’t let me emotions, or my anxiety, completely overwhelm me as I’ve done in the past. Instead I allowed myself to feel them. And let them pass without a reaction. Even a month ago, that would’ve been nearly impossible. And I realized that, wow, I’m really proud of myself. I’ve grown so much in the past few months. And that’s an accomplishment worth celebrating- at least in my humble opinion.

-X