There is always a list of a million things that I need to do running through my mind. From putting more soap in the soap dispenser, to writing an email, to putting more gas in my car. Those are just the things currently on my mind. There are always things that I could be doing. There is always a to-do list.

At one point, my anxiety got so bad that I actually had three separate to-do lists. I had a to-do list on my phone, things that I needed to remember to do written in my planner, and a whole separate list for things that I needed to buy. Just to make sure that I didn’t forget to do, or buy, anything.

I have literally woken up in the middle of the night, from a dead sleep, and gotten out of bed because I felt like I needed to be doing things. Once, the thing that I felt like I needed to be doing was a face mask. I got out of bed at 3:30am because I needed to do a face mask. Let that sink in.

I have scheduled out my entire day on both of my to-do lists before. Literally every single activity that I was going to be doing that day. From going to class to braiding my hair after a shower.

Then, when my best friend broke her foot, I added her to-do list on top of mine. She literally had a whole separate color in my planner. Did I mention my planner is color coded? Figures, right?

Only recently did I learn that this constant need to be doing things was a symptom of anxiety. Which makes sense, because the ridiculousness of my to-do list is definitely a step above perfectionism.

So I’m trying to take a step back. I’ve gotten rid of one of my to-do lists, and am trying to only use my planner and my “to-buy” lists now. I’m also trying not to schedule things like “shower” anymore. Because, honestly, who does that?

-X