“The only thing you can control is how you react to your emotions.” That’s what my nutritionist told me this morning, and I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear those words. I have spent so much of my life trying to control things that I have no control over. Looking at you, Ed. I cannot control anything other than myself, and the only thing that I can control in myself is how I react to my emotions. I can’t even control my emotions.

In a way, this is so incredibly freeing. I always have this strong urge to fix everything. Not even just in relation to myself, but also for other people. If my friends are hurting, I feel like I always need to be the one to fix it. This is probably my inner perfectionist making an appearance. But now, I feel like I can finally stop trying to fix everything all of the time. If my best friend decides to ignore me for two weeks without giving me an explanation, it’s not up to me to fix it. Not everything is my problem. The only thing I’m in charge of is how I cope with the feeling of being caught off guard and hurt.

In the past, my first reaction would be to restrict. Now, although that thought does occasionally come up, I’m, for the most part, able to tell Ed where he can stick it. Restricting doesn’t fix anything. In fact, a lot of the time, the lack of adequate nutrition heightens my negative emotions and makes everything exponentially worse.

On the other hand, getting myself out of the apartment, being more open with other friends, and taking dance classes are all things that help. Mind you, they don’t fix the actual situation, but they do allow me to feel more grounded and less overwhelmed by my emotions. Because the only thing that I can control is how I react to my emotions. I cannot control the rest of the world. And right now, this is something that I really need to remember.

-X