Potential trigger warning to anyone living with an eating disorder

Thigh gap. These are the words that Ed has been playing over and over in my mind the past month. I’m loosing my thigh gap and Ed is convinced that it is the end of the world. Hell, sometimes Ed even manages to convince me of this- until I pull myself back.

Realistically I know that just because I’ve probably gained a little weight, that does not mean that I’m going to keep gaining weight forever and ever until I balloon up and eventually explode. But with Ed in my head, it feels that way.

So outside of the world of Ed, what is my real fear? Certainly I’m not afraid of my thighs themselves, even though sometimes it feels like it. In actuality, I’m afraid of not being good enough or worthy of love. And somehow Ed has managed to equate being worthy with being a stick figure. He’s convinced me that I will only be loved if I’m a thin perfect paper doll.

And he’s started obsessing and overanalyzing everything. The way my clothes fit. The way I look in the mirror. The way I look next to the other people in the room. The way I look in the window of the store I walk by. The way I look in pictures.

None of the times I look good are deemed to be accurate. Only the times where I look bad. And then there’s Ed whispering in my ear again that if I just skip one meal, I can start to fix it. Except that’s a slippery slope. With Ed it’s never just one meal. Ed’s a greedy bastard- he can never get enough.

So I keep reminding myself: the mirror isn’t always an accurate representation. It can easily be distorted by my feelings. And even if I have gained a little weight it doesn’t affect who I am as a person. It doesn’t make me any less worthy of love. And it doesn’t mean I’m going to gain weight uncontrollably forever. It just means that I’m happier, stronger and more energetic. And isn’t that why I started recovery in the first place?

-X