No, today’s blog post is not an in-depth discussion about the rapper. Today’s blog post is about the human conceptualization of time which we like to refer to as the future. Now, you may wonder why I’ve decided to dedicate an entire blog post to the concept of the future.

The short answer? I’m terrified of it. And it’s coming for me- fast.

The past few days, I’ve felt physically sick every time the topic of the future has been brought up. To the point where my eating disorder reared its’ ugly head, and I had to be carried. Multiple times. Because I skipped too many meals and was too weak to walk.

Forcing yourself to eat becomes twenty times harder when it feels like everything is crashing in around you.

In May, I graduate from college and after graduation, everything changes. I no longer have the certainty of going back to my university at the end of every August. I will no longer be living with my current roommates. My best friend will be across the country from me. All of my friends will be moving on to real, adult jobs while I attend graduate school. Alone. I don’t even know where I’m going to be living next year.

I would like to point out that I do not do well with change. At all. Even in small everyday things- I hate when people change the plans on me. So you can imagine how it feels when my entire life feels like it is up in the air.

I’ve lived with my best friend and two other girls for the majority of my collegiate career. I have a routine. My school apartment has become a safe space. My best friend is my biggest support system. And all of that is going to change very soon. Because we’re graduating.

It feels like this change is going to bring about unspeakable, impending doom. I’m terrified I’m going to be isolated and alone- without a support system. I’m terrified of having to figure out meals for myself. I’m terrified of having to do the dreaded “c word”- cook. I’m terrified that I’m not going to have any friends. I’m terrified that all of my friends are going to move on with their lives and forget about me – especially the ones who are moving across state lines. I’m terrified that I’m never going to see them again. That they’re never going to want to see me again because they’ll be just as happy without me. But most of all, I’m terrified that I’m going to be swallowed whole by my anxiety.

So I’ve decided I’m getting a dog. I love animals, but my dog back home is very much an alpha male. Therefore, understandably, I haven’t been allowed to get another pet while I’m still living at home over school breaks. But I’ll be moving out of my parents’ house for good. And so now, a dog is a possibility.

And I’m clinging to this possibility with everything I have. It’s a small glimmer of light when I feel crushed by everything else.

My best friend likes to tell me that the only thing that we know for certain about the future is that it is uncertain. And then she emphasizes that this means that all aspects of the future are uncertain. We don’t know the good things that are coming for us – just like we don’t know the bad things that are coming for us.

Who knows, maybe 2019 will be the best year of my life. Or, at the very least, maybe it won’t suck as much as I think it will.

-X